Baby Naming Etiquette - What is the role of a friend?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 06:21PM I think we all know that there is nothing more interesting than dissecting and discussing the names other people choose for their children, especially celebrities! I love laughing at names like Robert Robertson and Dweezil Zappa. I am totally inspired by some name choices of famous people Madonna's, Rocco and Lourdes are two of my favourites.
But what is the naming etiquette when it comes to good friends or family? We all know we aren't supposed to bag out friends name choices, and comments such as 'Oh you can't use Tilly! It is a cat name' or 'My sexist uncle is named Patrick, yuck!' are totally not cool. But what do you say when your friend decides to use your favourite name? Or when you really want to use the same family name as your cousin? Or your girlfriend names her son Nightrider? What are the do's and don'ts of baby name etiquette?
My golden rules for baby names are as follows:
DON'T use the name your best friend has had 'dibs' on since you were both in school. Just because you are having the first baby doesn't mean you get to use the name. If your girlfriend was smart enough at 12 years old to choose a really cool name like 'Bronte' and you stupidly thought 'Madonna' would be pretty fab, then tough luck for you. You don't have to name your child Madonna, but you can't use Bronte -- it is her name! [There is an argument that the second choice name is practically off-limits too. What if she has twins!?]
DO follow the first in best dressed principle, just because your best friend has a list of twenty names doesn't mean they are all off-limits. The first to have a child gets the pick of names. So feel free to use the third or fourth name on your girlfriends list of possibilities if you really love them.
DON'T laugh at your girlfriends name choice. If she wants to name her child Jackson Pillock after the painter then that is her prerogative.
DO gently let your friend know that it is actually Jackson Pollock not Pillock. Friends don't let other friends make really big mistakes like that! :)
DO feel free to use family names, even if your cousin has done it already. Your grandfather's name is fair game for all the great-grandchildren.
DON'T copy your cousin if they haven't chosen a family name. Two little boys named 'Jaguar' in one family is pushing it a bit.
DO copy your cousin if they use the middle name you wanted. Middle names are also fair game!
DO ask politely if people are going to use a nickname for their children. Then be courteous enough to use the name they have chosen.
DON'T invent an ugly nickname for your friends child. If they want to use Drew as the short form of Andrew, then don't insist on calling the child Randy.
DON'T close your mind to the beauty in all names, sometimes the most darling name takes a bit of getting used to!
Tara
Tara
A quick follow up for those occasions where you really do like the name your friend has chosen and you want to use it. How do you address this problem?
1. Talk to them about it. Sometimes people are flattered that you admire their name choice and are happy to accept that other people might like to use the same name. This is particularly true of top 10 names!
2. Be gentle. If they react really badly to the idea then don't have a big fight about it and ruin your friendship. From their reaction you will have more of an idea about how big a deal the situation is going to be when your child finally arrives. This can help you decide whether or not it is worth pursuing that name or not?
3. Give them time. If you are very confident that you are going to use a name then allow your friend time to get used to it. Warn them. Giving someone time to come to terms with it before your child is born might make it easier when bubs is born.
4. Think about what it is about the name that you like so much. If you find it really too confronting to potentially ruin a friendship, then why not ask me a question in 'Looking for inspiration', I am sure that together we can come up with a name that is just as great as your friends name but is unique.
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Reader Comments (28)
I have one if you don't mind me contributing? If you like the same name as someone else consider your future relationship with them when deciding whether to go ahead and use the same name.
For example, when I was pregnant with my daughter Zoe (named in utero after the 20 week scan) our downstairs neighbours were due with their first baby a couple of weeks before us. To my horror I discovered that they were also considering Zoe for a girl! After crossing everything, praying for them to have a boy and trying to think of alternative names for our girl I thought about it and realised that even if we both named our daughters Zoe they were really only going to be in our lives for another year or so before we all moved out to larger houses and then we'd probably only stay in sporadic contact if at all. So in the long run it wasn't going to matter in the slightest that our children had the same name.
On the other hand, now we are in a house - hopefully permanently - we couldn't come at naming our future children Lucy or Molly which are the names of our next door neighbours' daughters, as they will be hanging out together for the next 15 years or so!
I love contributions Sair! Please keep on with the contributions.
Totally agree about future relationships, I find it difficult to suggest names that online friends have already used. But the likelihood of our children ever being in the same playgroup or school is just so remote it just don't see why not?!
Did your neighbours end up naming their child Zoe?
Tara
lol, no they had a boy named Oliver - phew! I think in the end they were angling for Coco for a girl anyhow. Didn't stop me stressing about it though - the ridiculous things we put ourselves through!
I personally wouldn't have a problem using the same name as an online friend, but I would think about whether they would have a problem with it before I made the decision. Some people would get very fired up about it...for me if someone else chose Zoe it would just validate that I made a great decision in the first place :)
Phew, I am glad they didn't use your name choice, even though you don't live near them yet.
I also think it is a compliment when someone uses the same name, there are a few other India's around and that is pretty cute.
We had this dilemma when I was pregnant with my daughter. My SIL was pregnant at the same time. Neither of us knew the sex of our babies. I think fairly early in the pregnancy I did ask them about boys names because if I had a boy I wanted to call him Jack after my grandfather. Although she was due first, my brother and SIL ceded Jack to me, although did decide on Jack as a middle name if they had a boy. We both had girls so it was a moot point, but if either of us get pregnant again, we'll have the 'Jack' talk again, and at that stage it will be first in best dressed.
It was much better to bring it up early to get everything out in the open and make our decisions based on all the information.
Tilly is a cat's name!!!
That is a hot runner on our girls list. I thought I had made it up actually!! My great grnadmother's name was Ottille, and I chose it as a derivitive of that.
Naturally now I am seeing it everywhere, it's probably as popular as Max!!!
Did I tell you in Max's group at nursery there is another Maximillian! Good grief, that's going to make name tags complicated.
Tilly doesn't have to be a cat's name - I really like it but it is becoming rather popualr in the UK, primarily because of it's likeness to Millie, Molly, Holly and Lily, but also as a nickname for the increasingly trendy Matilda... How exactly is Ottille pronounced? I've always thought it looks lovely...
I always feel a bit protective over my favourite names and I don't even have children! So, I can totally sympathise with anyone who feels the same, But like you say you've just got to take it as a compliment I guess..
LOL Tilly isn't a cats name. :) I hope everyone realised I just said that because it is an example of what people SHOULDN'T say.
Tilly or Tillie is a brilliant name and a gorgeous nickname for a little Matilda.
Sally is it spelt Ottille or Ottilie? The Oxford Dictionary of Names has Ottilie...? Apparently a varient of Odile. Katherine that might give some clues about pronunciation?
Hey,
i came across your writing and just wanted to say your very talented.
Your blogs are very interesting too.
Though i am to young too be thinking of childrens names.
I prefer Emily & Renae, even though they are used quite often.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hi Cassandra, thanks for the compliment! :) Emily and Renae are lovely names. I am a bit obsessed with the 'ae' letter combinations too!
Tara
Just a little question...what is the etiquette if you love a name but you have mentioned that your husband does not like it? One of my friends is pregnant and I asked our mutual friend if she had chosen her baby name. She told me that she cannot agree upon a name for a girl with her husband yet. So I told our mutual friend that I understand because when I have kids one day I love a certain name and my husband does not. Today I found out our pregnant friend is choosing the name I love if she has a girl. What is the etiquette for this? If she has a boy and I convince my husband the name is beautiful can I use it? If she has a girl can I still use it?!? Thanks in advance!
Linda, are you pregnant right now??? Because my answer would be different if there was time between the birth of your children. I would wait without saying anything just yet as your friend might change her mind! In response to your questions:
1. If your friend has a boy then the name is back on the drawing board for both of you. :) The next to have a girl gets to use the name if they want.
2. If your friend does have a girl and uses the name then try to take a deep breath and congratulate her on a brilliant name choice, that name is high up on your favourites list :) [there is no need to take it off just yet, but I wouldn't mention anything other than it is a beautiful name].
3. Yes of course you can use it once she has, the longer the gap between the kids the better. Try not to worry about it too much or get really dissapointed if she does use it. Remember when you are pregnant there might be completely different circumstances, a. you might not like the name as much anymore; b. your hubby might still hate it; c. your friend might be flattered that you want to name your daughter after hers; d. you might really want to find a special unique name for your daughter.
I find that names go in cycles, as you think about them more and more they get less impact. And then when you are choosing a name during a pregnancy your opinions will change and fluctuate significantly. I had Beatrix and Dorothy as my DEFINITE girls names and then ended up choosing India LOL.
Will you share the girls name with us?
Tara
Thanks for your advice Tara! It made me feel a lot better since my friend just called and announced she is having a girl. She is going to choose the name I wanted for a girl, but I'm feeling better now after having read your post. You are right I might change my mind in the future when I'm pregnant and I might even end up having boys! Plus, my husband still does not like the name.
The girl name I like is Livia.
Thanks again!
Funny twist...my husband is now teasing me that I can't use the name Livia anymore because I have been by-passed. Needless to say I feel like strangling my DH who by the way still does not like the name!!! Isn't Livia beautiful and orginal? What do men know anyways!
Linda, Livia is a lovely name! But I can think of some that are just as gorgeous. How about Sylvia, Ophelia, Lily, Lillian or Lavinia? All really elegant, sophisticated names that are perfect for little girls and for grown women. For nicknames think Sylvie for Sylvia, Poppy for Ophelia, Lilly for Lilliam or Livy for Lavinia. :)
Beautiful!!!
Tara
Hi Tara! All the names you've mentionned are beautiful. I promise to let you know what I've choosen when I get pregnant! Thanks for all your help! :)
My SIL's sister just had a baby a couple months ago. I heard they named their son Nathan. My 5 year old is Nathan. I recently learned that she named her baby Nathan Josh, which is my son's first and middle name. I was upset. Now my brother's 3 boys actually have 2 Nathan Josh as their cousins. What is the etiquette on this?
Hi Lauren,
I'm not too sure about the etiquette but I personally would not have given the same name as my SIL's baby nor would I take the names she likes. It's too close of a family member. There are enough in-law family fights without the name stealing!!
Tara-
Let me get your thoughts on our situation. We're due with our second child in early April, sex unknown. We're having a terrible time deciding on a boy name. All of the names that we both like seem to have been used recently by friends and family.
We had Eli picked out had our first child been a boy but since then two fairly close friends have used it. We also liked Benjamin/Ben but it's been used by two fairly close friends as well since that time. Another name that is new to our list is Graham - well, a sorority sister of mine had a boy she named Graham this summer. We keep in regular touch but I wouldn't consider her a close, close friend. What are your thoughts? I think I would feel less badly about using Graham than Eli or Ben at this point but it still makes me feel awkward.
Oh, and what do you think about Gabriel, nn Gabe? I like it but my husband likes Gabe but thinks Gabriel is "girly." We would call him Gabe most of the time but I'm not willing to not give him Gabriel as his full, formal name. Also, I'm not sure Gabe flows well with your our last name but I might be overanalyzing (last name is Pruitt; middle name will be my mom's maiden name, Morris).
Feel free to offer us any other naming suggestions based on the mn and last name (and our first child's name, which is Norah). Another name that I like (that no friends have used) is Grady but my husband doesn't like it. It's a family name on my side and it would solve ever so many problems with name etiquette if I could get him to go for it!
For a girl, it'll probably be Lucy or Audrey or Harper.
Thanks!
My daughter is called Emily and my son Samuel James. They are 14 and 11.
My brother called his daughter Ellie 3 years ago and has just named his son (born yesterday), Kellan James.
Emily and Ellie are different names, but their Grandma always gets muddled.
James I know is only my sons second name. It is not a family name.
Just feels to me that there are so many names out there why do they have to copy. Not sure whether I am just being too sensitive.
Tara-
Need your advice! My brother and his girlfried want to name their baby Sunni Rae. No one in our family likes it at all. We would like them to choose a more traditional name that she can grow with as an adult. Should we tell them? What is a proper way to do this?
I'm curious to see if anyone has run into this problem.....
My daugher is 14 months old. When I was in my last few weeks of pregnancy, we had narrowed our name selection down to 2 boy names and 2 girl names as we didn't know the sex. We let my son decide what to name the baby, and when she was born, he decided Isabella was the name.
Our (first) cousin is now pregnant and has decided on her baby's name. Not only is it Isabella, but they will share the exact same last name as well.
I have a HUGE problem with this and have concerns with identity issues in the future. We live 20 minutes away from eachother and I feel that there will be confusion down the road for both girls if they both have the exact same name. I feel like she's stealing my daughters identity!
Am I crazy?? Is this right?? Am I wrong for being LIVID about this?
*lol* my best friend tells me that when I have children (and that's still several years off) she has the right to veto any stupid name choices, or name my child if I take more than two weeks. On the up side, whenever my boy or my mother suggest weird or just plain silly names, I can simply tell them that my friend will veto it! :D
Can someone give me their opinion? My husband and I just had our first baby last year, a baby boy. It took a lot of effort to choose his name, as I wanted a unique name for him and not one everyone else has. Some pretty close friends of ours from church recently had their baby and named him the same as our baby's name! It is so obvious she copied; our church is small, and we will probably be there for awhile and have to see them every Sunday. This really upsets me! Especially since they are only a year apart and will end up in the same Sunday school class one day. Ugh, isn't that rude? She even made a comment to me one time about liking my baby's name and how one of us would have to leave if she had another baby! And sure enough!!...And it's not like I named him Bob or Billy, it's a name you hardly ever hear. Isn't it still bad etiquette even after your baby is born for some one you see quite often to use your name?? What does the etiquette book say about that? Well, apparently this girl likes to create drama and can be really petty about things so that makes this situation even more annoying!
Hi Tara & all
We've just heard from my parents in law that my brother & sister in law are naming thier second son the same name as our son who was born in March. The thing that hurts the most is that they didn't tell us themselves, and while I am getting used to it, I do think they have been a bit insensitive using the same name. They could have used this name as the middle name but chose not to.
I agree wholehartedly with Tara's comments on communication, and giving an early heads up!! If they had said when our son was born the name had very special significance to them and they really wanted it for x reasons, we probably would have chosen a different name. And similarly if they had come to us directly and explained why they wanted to use this name after thier son was born what could we have done but given our blessing? All they have succeeded in doing is hurting us, and I wonder if our boys will love or hate having the same name?